On My Lost Identity With Japanese
This post delves into a topic that's deeply important to me. It's a look into my life and how I got to where I am today (language wise). The target audience for this post (outside of it being more of a diary entry), is someone who is struggling with their identity through language. Someone who spent a fair bit of time learning a language, surrounded their life with it, resulting in their identity being closely aligned with the culture or language they're learning. If that's you, and you're curious about what I have to say and how I got through it, please give this a read. For everyone else, I'll see you on the next post.
An introduction to the Japanese Language
Japanese was a language that I'd always had in the back of my mind; going back to High School really, where a friend of mine had introduced me to Nujabes (ヌジャベス). The anime Samurai Champloo was the show that introduced Nujabes to him, and as I watched the show, I became enamored by the language and samurai culture.
However, I didn't really touch the language, or have any interest in learning it, until much later in my life; in my early to mid 20s.
Again, I was flung into the grasp of the Japanese language, this time, by an anime called Parasyte -the maxim-. I wasn't really looking to watch an anime, and randomly stumbled upon it on Hulu at the time. It looked interesting, and so I began watching it. I quickly became completely invested in the show, and this show was really at the precipice of my entire Japanese journey. After finishing the show, I impulsively bought a copy of GENKI I: An Integrated Course in Elementary Japanese, thus beginning the start of my Japanese language learning Journey.
After receiving my copy of GENKI I, I quickly saw that I had to learn two alphabets, which immediately made me think that I made the wrong decision. However, I started to learn them. Of course, I wasn't fully invested in learning Japanese; it was based almost entirely on impulse. So, after a week of learning 5 hiragana a day (I know, such a slow pace), I quit, and didn't touch the Japanese language for multiple years.
The true start to my Japanese language journey
My life at the time of starting Japanese again was completely different than the life I had when I first attempted to learn Japanese. On the surface, my life seemed ideal; I had a house, set on three acres of land, that we were renovating to make our own. I had two dogs, and we were thinking about getting chickens (we did end up getting them). I had a job that I genuinely enjoyed (still love it), and at the time, I believed that my fiancee made me happy.
At the time, I didn't attribute the feeling of loneliness I had to any unhappiness with my life as I knew it at that point. Instead of working through the feeling in a healthy manner, I decided to escape that feeling by trying different hobbies. My fiancee at the time had celiac, so in an effort to have sweet treats (I've always had a sweet tooth), I decided to try baking. Due to how I was mentally at the time, I clung to baking and went all in. I spent hours every weekend baking, and would sometimes spend my evenings baking as well. Eventually though, I wanted another hobby. I don't think I was necessarily bored of baking, but I wanted something I could work at in small increments and gradually become better. I was primarily following recipes when I baked, so to me, the hobby didn't feel constructive. And I thought a constructive hobby at the time would help with how I was feeling. I tried drawing next and quickly realized I hated it, and gave up on it shortly after starting (still hurts thinking about the money I spent on supplies).
Some time around then, I played a game with my long time best friend (who I talked about above) and we discussed our lives. He's always been into learning languages, and has done so since High School. He's currently finishing his PhD in linguistics actually, at the time of writing this post actually. Tangent aside, the thought of learning a language came to my mind after that night playing games with him. I thought that it might actually be possible this time, now that I was diagnosed and taking medication for ADHD, and so I seriously considered that as my next hobby. Of course, my mind immediately went to Japanese, but I gave myself some time to think it through, as I didn't want to impulsively jump into another hobby, but I also didn't want to ruin another attempt at learning Japanese.
During this intermediary period, I was still baking and escaping through other means; namely through books and video games. It was during this period where I randomly got the urge to watch Spirited Away by Hayao Miyazaki; a film I had loved watching earlier in my life during High School (during english class actually) and still re-watch often, as it's a comfort watch for me, and always makes me happy. Following that movie, I yearned for more; I wanted to explore more Japanese media. And so my mind went in two directions: playing Persona 5 Royal, and watching anime. I eventually chose to play P5R, as I'd played the base game in my early twenties, but got a little burnt out (a common occurrence with persona games), and never finished the game.
P5R is really what solidified my desire to try learning Japanese again, as I got engulfed in virtual tokyo and fell in love with the atmosphere and culture (well, my vision of what Japanese culture was at the time). As I played through the game, I was intrigued by the many signs in Japanese I couldn't read, wanting to know what they all said. This intrigue led to the final decision to begin learning Japanese again. However, this time, I set myself a challenge: I would learn hiragana and katakana for two weeks—typically the span of my fleeting interests. If my passion persisted beyond this period, I'd fully commit and give it my all.
After that two week period finished, my enthusiasm hadn't waned. In fact, it had intensified some; thus marking the official beginning of my journey on August 21, 2023.
Finding my identity with Japanese
As I spent more and more time studying Japanese, I found myself increasingly drawn to anime and manga, namely the slice of life & romance genres. Shows like Super Cub, Laid-Back Camp, Tomo-chan Is a Girl!, and Horimiya showcased people finding happiness and living fulfilling lives. Looking back now (as of writing this post), I realize that it wasn't truly the Japanese language that captivated me, or the fact that I wanted a constructive hobby, but the unique aesthetic of what I thought Japan was, a world that seemed happier than my own, which stemmed from the growing void in my own life. When watching these shows, or reading similar manga, it would feel like I could travel through a portal to a world where happiness seemed attainable. And as I immersed myself in these stories and the language, Japan itself began to be transformed into this idealized haven for me, a distant place where I could finally find the happiness that eluded me at home.
This idealization of Japan gradually became a core part of my identity. I clung to this overly romanticized view of Japan—a classic case of 'the grass is greener on the other side'. This perspective, while comforting at the time, was ultimately a projection of my own desires rather than reality.
Losing my identity with Japanese
Eventually, my fiancee and I realized we both wanted different things in life, and no longer had the capacity to meet each other's needs. Out of mutual love and respect, we made the difficult decision to part ways. After the breakup, I clung to and doubled down on my Japanese studies, spending hours and hours after work every day, and 8+ hours on the weekend days studying. But I found myself overwhelmed and completely burnt out on studying Japanese. I eventually retreated into autopilot mode-immersing myself in video games, rock climbing, and hobbies that demanded less mental exertion than language learning. I attempted to reignite my passion for Japanese, but I just couldn't; something in my mind had shifted. The language that once felt like a cherished companion, now seemed to be slipping away, like a very good friend of mine was leaving, leading to a bout of depression.
The anime and manga I had previously loved, started to make me feel sad. I started to 'miss' Japan deeply. This identity I had, which was completely around my idealized Japan, was crumbling. I had a period of great nostalgia for Japan during this. I spent a lot of time online researching why I felt this way, and found out that I was experiencing a phenomenon known as anemoia.
Anemoia (noun): Nostalgia for a time you’ve never known.
After time away from Japanese
The period I had away from Japanese turned into years, until present time actually. And I didn't touch language learning at all during this period. I spent time healing, feeling my emotions, and letting go of my unrealistic view of Japan.
In retrospect, I recognize that I felt trapped in the situation I had in the relationship I was in and the home life I had. There were multiple reasons for this: I worked from home, leading to limited opportunities to leave the house as we lived in the middle of nowhere. There weren't a ton of younger adults in my area, leading to effectively becoming friendless (albeit somewhat self imposed). And I my fiancee and I weren't really compatible anymore. We met when I was much younger than I was when we broke up, and we had both grown and changed. We wanted different things; wanted to live different lives. This feeling of being trapped I feel, was akin to being confined in The Shining, minus the violence. And the idea of living in Japan, or being immersed in the culture, was the escape I used to not feel so discontent with my situation. It acted more as a shield, protecting me from the bad stuff that I was feeling at the time. And it was only a matter of time until it crashed like it did.
I healed for 2+ years. My life is equally as different as it was when I started learning Japanese the second time. I'm in a relationship with someone I'm a million times more compatible with, and for the first time in years, I'm truly happy. Dealing with what I did was a major learning experience for me. And I'm happy that I had it.
Conclusion
Thank you to everyone who has spent the time and read the entirety of this post. My hope is that it helped someone going through someone similar. Of course, I didn't provide ways to resolve your issue, but I hope it at least puts the fact that you're not alone into picture.
I just began studying Japanese again after an almost 2 year hiatus. It feels surreal, but good. I feel like I've dealt with my issues and am approaching Japanese with a healthier outlook. I can't wait to share more of it with everyone.